Satirical Saturday – How to Drive in Florida

I received this in email this week, and just cracked up! These are so true! After living in the laid-back “true” South for many years (Alabama, where the worst traffic offenses are not knowing how to use a turn signal, and thinking “merge” means “stop”), I have been scared to death of driving here. They’re all insane!

Mikki, you’ll probably appreciate this one.

How to Drive in Florida

1. You must first learn to pronounce the name, it is: “FLAAAAARIDA”.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On I-95 your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to run you off the road while giving you the finger.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Florida has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, SUV cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.
9. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or better yet —run them off the road.
10. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
11. If you are going to yell anything out the window, make sure it is in Spanish.